When God Gives You Lemons-

    It's been a pretty rough year around here.  For those of you who are not aware, my daughter Mikaela (Butterfly) was born on June 16, lived for exactly 44 minutes underneath the incredible efforts of the neonatal staff at Texas Children's Hospital in Houston, and then passed away.  One day, I will publish her full story, but I mention it today so you can understand why I, in the midst of this beautiful and wonderful Christmas season, am so thoroughly stressed out and so edgy and so quick to fall to pieces.  It's been a rough year, that just makes it nearly unbearable.

    So as Christmas is approaching, closer and faster, I am getting more and more overwhelmed by things.  Bills are coming at us out of nowhere, an astronomical water bill that was rather unexpected and used up every last dime of Christmas shopping money that we had, which was a hard blow for me.  Though we had bought for one another and for Aleigh, we had not bought for my little cousins that will be at my mom's for the gift exchance, we had not bought for my parents, nor for Mark's brother or nephew.  These are important things to me.  Family is very important, and this is really one of the first Christmas' that I was going to be able to buy something nice for each of these people, and I was very proud and excited and happy about that.

    I keep hurting myself, in case any of you missed that whiny ass blog post.  I didn't break my toe, I think I just jammed it pretty good, it was swollen and painful for a couple of days- poor little piggy.  These are all relatively little things on the big-picture/grand-scheme.  I know this.  I'm not completely shallow as to think this means that the world is crumbling around me because of these couple of little things.  But when you add these little things on top of that empty, hurt feeling that is building inside of me already with the loss of my beloved Butterfly, it really does feel like the world is crumbling.  It gets hard to hold your head up high and see the brighter side of things.

   I posted this on my personal  FB page the other day, and for those of you who did not see it, here it is:

I wanted to share this with all of you, this is my beautiful angel baby, Mikaela Evalynn, born and passed on June 16, 2012.
She meant more to me than words could ever express and my heart is aching more and more with each passing day, it's not getting easier, it's not getting to be a more fond memory, it's getting to be a greater, heavier, deeper sadness, emptiness, and aching inside me.
This Christmas will be full of family and love, but for me it will be full of heartbreak and tears as well.
I want all of you to remember this little girl this Christmas, and even if it's only when you close your eyes that night after spending the day with your loved ones, wish her a Merry Christmas and know that she was here, she breathed, she lived, if only for a moment on Earth, but eternally in Heaven and heavily on my heart.
~Sheila     

SweetAngel - I miss this little girl more than I have ever missed anything in my life, and every day I feel like my heart breaks just a little more when I think... of what could have been..
Though I know this is part of God's greater plan, it doesn't make it hurt any less, and it doesn't change it one bit...
I just wish it wasn't so hard... I just wish I'd had one kiss, one hug, one smile...
#Wishes

    I grew closer to God when I learned about Mikaela, when I found out I was pregnant I began to feel a closer pull towards Him and knew that something special, something amazing was happening.  I did not feel that when I learned of my pregnant with Ladybug, I felt freaked out, terrified, unwanting.  I love that little brat so so much, but Heaven almighty, I didn't until I saw her face.  Maybe that's selfish or foolish or a little too honest for your tastes, but it's the truth.  I did not want to be pregnant, I did not want to have T's child because I knew it meant I was stuck with him forever, in one way or another.  I'm so happy and thankful for her now, I am.  God knew I needed her to bring my heart and my spirit back down-to-Earth, to settle this wild-child.  And she did, more than I can put into words.

    But when I saw that little plus sign, that faint pink second line on that test, my heart skipped a beat for all the right reasons.  And my faith did not fail or falter as the pregnancy progressed and we learned more about what was wrong with our daughter.  Even when she passed away before I ever got out of the operating room, the only question I had was, "Couldn't she have lived long enough for me to hold her..."  I have truly put everything in God's hands and accepted that only He knows what and why.  And I believe that there was good in Mikaela's birth and good in her death and that everything, even the things that hurt, happen for a reason.  I believe this because I know that God has a plan, and I believe this because I know that God would not give us such heartbreak without a reason.

   But for a couple of days, I found myself stressing, asking God, "what I am doing wrong?".  "Why am I being punished?"  But then yesterday morning, my dad brings in the mail.  And in the mail is a prepaid mastercard, with my name on it, but it had no information as to why I had it or who sent it.  It dawned on me - It was from the mileage reimbursment department, for the gas money assistance I had filed for when I was pregnant with Mikaela, that I had long since forgot about.  See, I was making 1-2 trips a week to downtown Houston and back.  That's a solid 2 hour drive, more or less depending on traffic, but in a 6-cylinder truck and with summer-time gas prices.  We spent a lot of money in that time and we needed help since I wasn't working at that point.  So I activate the card, but there is no balance on it.  I call the company, and they say a deposit will be made on the 15th of this month, only a few days away.  Not only is it going to be a decent amount, but it will cover the extra money we had to spend on our "unexpected bills" - and then some.

    Then, last night, we are sitting around watching the American Music Awards, and there comes a knock on the door.  My dad answers the door and there's a peace officer, asking to speak with me.  My heart is racing, I can't possibly imagine why a cop is standing on my doorstep with a stack of paperwork in his hand.  I haven't done anything wrong, the traffic warrant and tickets that I recently aquired had been paid, in full, and I haven't sat for a moment behind the wheel of the truck for fear of that shit happening again.  Jail is not a joke, folks.  Even if only for a few hours, that shit sucks.

    So I stand there for a moment with this officer, I finally catch my breath and ask, "Am I in trouble for something?"  He says "No.....Just some paperwork..." and then, "I think maybe child support."  I let out a little squeak that causes him to look up, and without realizing who I am talking to a sigh of relief followed by "Oh- Sweet!"  He just stared at me like I was a moron, signed the papers, handed them to me and told me to have a good night.  It was for child support!  Now, I did not file for child support, but the state of Texas filed on my behalf.  And while I know this is probably quite awful for T, it is going to really help me out, like a lot.  I have bent over backwards since he and I split to make sure that he could see Ladybug whenever he wanted, and so that he only helped me with money when he "was able to" (not often).  I've always given him money when he needed it, even after the "My Story" stuff happened, I'm just soft-hearted that way, and when he needed help, if I had it to spare, it went to his hands.  I deserve child support.  I deserve help covering the costs of raising our daughter, I truly do.  And while I never would have filed for child support on my own (because I am weak that way), the state did.  And now he will have to pay.  And I am happy about this.

    And on top of all that, in between it somewhere, I picked up another client from the homehealth company, a client that will more than double the twice-a-month checks that I am currently receiving.  It's not like I'll be bank-rolling or anything, but I will be making a somewhat decent income without having to devote myself entirely to a full time position, and all of this happens as I am standing on one leg and sinking in quick sand.

    It's phenomenal timing.  All of it is.  It is God's way of saying, "Hey, I already gave you lemons.  But now here's the sugar, and the water, so make us some lemonade."  I am such a lucky woman, so truly blessed.  It's the little things folks, the little things!!!

~Sheila