So Close, And So Far Away

The time is coming up- It's edging ever closer and as the date grows closer, my anxiety is rising.

I try the breathing exercises, I try to transcend to another place, another time, but nothing takes away that longing in the pit of my stomach, that missing piece feels like it's leaving a gaping hole that is ever growing and tearing and ripping and it's taking a little more and more of me every day.  Like that hole is just leaving me open for more and more of me to fall out and disappear.

I am feeling so helpless and so frustrated.  Every child I see I want to steal, I want to grab and run away and just cuddle and hug and love and breathe in the sweet, soft, innocent smell of them.  Except my own- From her, I just want to run away and hide from because it's like she absorbs all that's left of me out and takes it as her own.  I don't even know how to explain it really- It's just.. Exhausting.

I am happy with my life right now- I truly am.  I have been blessed with one beautiful, brilliant, healthy daughter.  I have been blessed with a man who loves me beyond all rhyme or reason.  I have been blessed with this incredible career opportunity that I am trying desperately to excel in.  I am healthy, I am young(ish), and I am free.  But I have also experienced so much hurt and heartache and disappointment in this lifetime, and none of it can even scratch the surface of the pain left after Mikaela's death.

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I showed off her pictures today, to a friend who had not seen them.  This set off a chain reaction in Ladybug and me-  We've both been a little off since then.  I just want to honour my child in some way, it feels like no matter what I try to do for her birthday it's not going to be enough.  That's a big part of my anxiety...  How do you celebrate a child's first day of life, anniversary of death, and Father's Day all in the same day?  And how could it ever, ever be enough.

It can't.  It could never be enough, and that's a problem for me.  It needs to be enough, for her, and for me.

But alas, we can't always get what we want- Can we?