Because it's not bad enough that I'm sick and feverish for going on 4 straight days, and it's not bad enough that my 4 year old hides her demons horns underneath that beautiful perfectly naturally high lighted blonde head of hers, and the dog/cat/boyfriend stealing the blanket all night long so i can't sleep for crap - let's add a BROKEN FUCKING TOE ON TOP OF IT ALL TO MAKE THIS WEEK JUST SPLENDID.
Karma- WTF DID I DO THIS TIME!?!?! I thought I'd been doing good. I pray more for others than I pray for myself. I go out of my way to help the people who need it. I am constantly offering to lend a helping hand to people who don't need it, just to be friendly and courteous. I am forever trying to find ways to better myself as a mother and a girlfriend and a daughter and a person in general. I am thankful of every thing that has happened over the past year, EVERYTHING, because I know that there was a REASON for it. there MUST HAVE BEEN A REASON... And so I am THANKFUL, and it's fucking HARD TO BE THANKFUL FOR THIS YEAR!!!!! But this isn't good enough? I have to get kicked down, further and further and further until I feel like nothing but a bloody pulp of what I used to be.
*deep breath*
I need a break, just a little break, not away from anything or anyone, just from this LUCK that's following me around.. Taunting me. Fucking everything up. It's like there's something out there in the universe saying "Give up." and "Get back in bed." and i DON'T WANT TO!!!! I have not been holding my head high despite having my world and my life and my dreams turned upside down only to just give up and crawl into a corner and let this world and this life pass me by.
That's something the old me would have done. Something that 2 years ago, I happily would have done. But I'm not that girl anymore. I'm not the child that will run away from these problems and just pretend like I can make it all go away with drugs or alcohol or denial. That was the old me, especially the denial part. I own up to my mistakes and my faults. I own up to my losing battles and I tell myself that I will do better next time, that I will try again and I won't let myself fail. But how long can you keep that going when there is something out there chipping away at all the little pebbles that are keeping the boulders of your insecurities and inadequacies in place? I'm staring head on into a rockslide and I'm not sure if my cheery outlook and "It's gonna be better tomorrow" stance is going to hold it all back.
I'm tired of falling apart. I'm so tired of falling further down this little black hole with just a prayer that whatever is at the bottom will be better than what came before. It's feeling like it's all the same old song and dance and I'm never going to come out on top; Like I'm never going to win. Doesn't everybody deserve to win once in a while?
Photos From
http://www.cavstheblog.com/?attachment_id=7970http://covermyfb.com/covers/18666/red+flower+falling+apart
examiner.com
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