My next appointment, I was a little nervous. I went to the appointment by myself, fidgeting but telling myself that everything was ok, that if there had been a problem I would have gotten a phone call. The doctor comes in, goes through the general questions,
Doctor: How are you feeling?
Me: Okay. Excited.
Doctor: Ok. The baby moving?
Me: No, still not really moving.
Doctor: Ok. *continues to flip through my file*
Doctor: So, I guess we'll see you again in a couple of weeks..
Me: Ok... Uhm, was everything ok on the ultrasound? The tech seemed a little weird, and they were having trouble seeing the left foot...
Doctor: *flips through file* Yeah... They said to consider the possibility of Trisomy 18. I'm not really sure why.
Me: Oh... What-- What is that?
Doctor: It's kind of like down syndrome. *writes something down in file*
Me: Okay well, what do we do? I mean, do I--
Doctor: I guess we can do another ultrasound.
Me: Ok....
Doctor: *handing me my file* Give this to the girl at the desk, tell her you need to schedule an ultrasound. I'll call you.
So I walk to the front of the office, and give my file to the lady at the desk, telling her I need another ultrasound, for as soon as possible; she's able to get me in that day. I'm waiting in the dr's office for her to give me my appointment time and I burst out into tears - Down syndrome. That's really difficult news to hear. If you've ever been pregnant, you probably know that it's not something you have ever really put thought into, you don't want to think that something may be wrong. You want to go into your appointment and them say, "Everything looks great, see ya next time!" But I'm trying to tell myself it must not be serious, I mean, if it were serious certainly he would not have acted so casual about it. He would have called. He would have brought it up, not acted like everything was ok. He would have been more clear, more concise, more on-the-ball, right? I mean, that's what a good doctor would do if they thought there was something wrong with a patient's pregnancy. Right?
Me: Okay. Excited.
Doctor: Ok. The baby moving?
Me: No, still not really moving.
Doctor: Ok. *continues to flip through my file*
Doctor: So, I guess we'll see you again in a couple of weeks..
Me: Ok... Uhm, was everything ok on the ultrasound? The tech seemed a little weird, and they were having trouble seeing the left foot...
Doctor: *flips through file* Yeah... They said to consider the possibility of Trisomy 18. I'm not really sure why.
Me: Oh... What-- What is that?
Doctor: It's kind of like down syndrome. *writes something down in file*
Me: Okay well, what do we do? I mean, do I--
Doctor: I guess we can do another ultrasound.
Me: Ok....
Doctor: *handing me my file* Give this to the girl at the desk, tell her you need to schedule an ultrasound. I'll call you.
So I walk to the front of the office, and give my file to the lady at the desk, telling her I need another ultrasound, for as soon as possible; she's able to get me in that day. I'm waiting in the dr's office for her to give me my appointment time and I burst out into tears - Down syndrome. That's really difficult news to hear. If you've ever been pregnant, you probably know that it's not something you have ever really put thought into, you don't want to think that something may be wrong. You want to go into your appointment and them say, "Everything looks great, see ya next time!" But I'm trying to tell myself it must not be serious, I mean, if it were serious certainly he would not have acted so casual about it. He would have called. He would have brought it up, not acted like everything was ok. He would have been more clear, more concise, more on-the-ball, right? I mean, that's what a good doctor would do if they thought there was something wrong with a patient's pregnancy. Right?
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| Mikaela - 25 weeks and 5 days gestation |
All this coaching I'm doing in my head is not helping at this point, so I start crying. The nurse behind the desk is looking at me and asking me, "What's wrong? Are you okay?" And I tell her that I'm just scared, that he mentioned Trisomy 18, that I have to have another ultrasound, that I don't know what any of this means and I'm just scared and I feel really alone right now... And she just stares at me, she doesn't know what to say. She doesn't have any idea what she could say. She obviously knows what Trisomy 18 is, and I would not have been okay if I had known at that point. "Kinda like down syndrome" does not describe Trisomy 18. The only similarity they have is they are both caused by an extra-chromosome. THAT'S NOT "KINDA LIKE" JUST FOR YOUR INFORMATION DR. WHACK-JOB. *regains composure* Back to my baby's story......
So the ultrasound is a couple of hours away. I leave the dr's office, walking towards the truck, and I call Mark, crying. I tell him that something is wrong, but I don't know what. I'm freaking out because there is something wrong with our baby and my doctor just blew me off and I have to have another ultrasound and I am so scared. He's going to meet me at the hospital for the ultrasound, but he's at work so give him a few minutes. I call my mom, I call my best friend, they are all speechless. We're all thinking it's going to be okay, it's just scary. Down syndrome isn't that bad, this little girl can still have a good life. She can still be happy and healthy, it will be a challenge, and that's why it's so scary, but it's going to be okay.
I have the ultrasound done, of course they won't tell me anything. "Your doctor will call you and tell you more." This was a long ultrasound. Not a happy ultrasound. It's a quiet room and it's dark and I'm scared to even look at the images of my baby, I'm scared of what I will see. It's all a foreign language to me. They're doing measurements and calculations and the ultrasound tech looks so grim and she's trying to be friendly and polite and professional but I sense the tension and it hurt my heart and my head and it was scary.
I take the next day off of work- Start calling the doctor the moment the office opens. And what do they tell me? The doctor won't be in til 2. TWO O'CLOCK IN THE AFTERNOON. At this point, I've looked up Trisomy 18. It's nothing like down syndrome. It's fatal. Almost guaranteed. Fatal as in, if you carry to term (key word- IF) the baby has a 50% chance of still-birth, and then less than 10% survival chance of living until her first birthday. I spent the night crying, researching through tears, praying and begging, no, this can't be happening. They must be wrong.
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