First Attempt / Intro

Well, here goes nothin'...

I have a lot to say, I have an opinion about a lot of things, usually not profound or heartwrenching or awe-inspiring, but I've got thoughts and such... And I love reading blogs. And I used to love writing, I'm pretty sure I still do.  I think about writing a lot and so as I am reading my daily blog-fix, usually from folks like Mary Tyler Mom or Daddy Doin' Work or IWADB, I'm thinking "I want to do this."

Well, I'm going to do this.  I'm going to blog about what inspires me to blog.  I'm going to rant (probably more often than not) because I like a good rant.  It's like a catharsis, a cleansing if you will.  And I'm going to  be thankful and grateful and show this as often as I can.

If you're reading this, I'm sorry.  This totally sucks and I know that but hell, you gotta start somewhere, right?  And this is where I start.  The day after Thanksgiving, 2012.  A year of ups and downs and some really crazy, really heavy shit.  Wow.  This year really was a roller coaster.  And I thought years past had been?  Ptsch, they ain't got shit on twenty-twelve.

I've got a daughter, she's amazing.  She is brilliant, seriously.  She's so smart that she scares the hell out of me.  If she's this smart at 4, dude, I'm in for it.  But I'm glad she's smart, I hope she keeps it up, I hope she leaves me in the dust in the brains department.  Not that I'm ignorant or anything, but I used to be pretty smart myself and I just wasted that shit away like it wasn't important.  Lesson learned.

I've got another daughter.  She would have been amazing, I know that.  She would have been brilliant like her sister, but I bet a polar-opposite in the personality department.  I imagined Mikaela to be timid and quiet and soft-spoken, with her dark hair and [I hoped] her daddy's beaming blue eyes.  But Mikaela's purpose on this Earth was served much earlier and she left us, 44 minutes after she was born.  We knew it was coming, we prayed that it would happen actually.  Now you're thinking "What the hell? You prayed your daughter would die? You murderous bitch."  Well, slow your role judgy mcjudgerson.  Yeah, I did, but I had my reasons.  She was sick.  I mean, not *cough*cough* sick.  I mean, she never kicked, her arms and legs never moved.  That was just the beginning.  Her body receive messages from her brain, in utero, to do things like move, or "breathe", or swallow.  Those basic things that all babies need to do in the womb to survive outside, she never did any of those.  And it got worse.  So I prayed that God would take that baby, rather than letting her suffer a lifetime of pure hell.  I prayed that, if she wouldn't have a fighting chance at having a healthy fulfilling life that He would take her soul before she had a chance to suffer.  And He did.  And I am grateful.  I gave birth to an angel, that's pretty special.

I have a husband; of course I'm not too fond of him, we don't live together, we've been seperated for a couple of years and it's probably one of the best things I've ever done, leaving him.  Great dad to Ms. Smarty I mentioned, but horrible horrible husband.  Just didn't get the "love, cherish" stuff involved in marriage.  I think he only heard the part where I said "honor and obey".  Yeah, that shit don't fly.  But neither one of us have forked out that $250 for the divorce, so I'm married.  However, I have a great boyfriend.  Daddy to the Angel.  He's amazing, we've been together for a while now and I gotta tell ya, I got pretty lucky with him.  He works hard, he goes out of his way to make my daughter and I feel loved and cherished, and wanted.  I never had that before him, and I am beyond grateful for everything he does, for everything he is.  Beyond. Grateful.

I am currently unemployed.  I mean, not completely.  I get a little paycheck every couple weeks for being offering my "provider care" to my disabled father, who lives with me.  He's been disabled due to brain damage for as long as I can remember.  He's not completely incompetent, but he definately needs help.  And since my mom left him a couple years ago for being to her what my then-husband was to me, he seriously needs me.  In a lot of ways.  I want to get a job, but I want to get out of this town, and I have a crappy enough resume as it is without adding another job that lasts 2-3 months before I split town.  See, then-husband liked to uproot us and move us around a lot, so every time I found a good job and got good at my job, he wanted to go somewhere else.  So we did.  Ah, so young, so nieve, so dumb.  Lessons learned, friends.

Okay, enough about me.  For now, anyway.  I'm not sure when I'll write a real post.  I might not.  However, if and when I do, I promise, it won't be as dull and mundane and boring as what I just wrote.  God, I hope not anyway.... heh :)